(From Liz) A Letter to My Husband’s Next Wife
Dear Three,
It’s Two here. I have some advice for you. And I know you don’t want it now, but save this because it will come in handy sooner rather than later. I’m trying to, as the poetess says, “Save a little trouble for the next girl.”
You have found yourself an incredibly charming and charismatic man. I know how you’re feeling right now: in love, over the moon, like everything was leading up to this. Save this feeling in your heart. Just because what is to come is terrible doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy the good times while they are here, however brief they are.
If you want to last longer than I did, some advice:
Do not get sick.
Do not express any needs.
Do not get pregnant.
Do not expect him to be on time.
Do not expect him to advise when he will be late.
Or where he is.
Or who he is with.
Do NOT get sick.
Expect plans to change.
Do not expect the things that are important to you to be important to him.
Do not strive for autonomy.
Do not talk to people at parties.
Smile.
Smile more.
Be delighted to see him, even when it’s 3 in the morning and he just came home, wedding ring in pocket, which you will find as it rolls out when you are helping him in to bed.
Oh I know. He’s different now. It’s because you’re so special. You can give him what I couldn’t. What his first wife couldn’t. (After all: They were crazy! Crazy bitches!) Well, you can’t. No one could. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” as the sage of our time wrote. You can’t fix that man. It might be good for a little while — the first months were the happiest I’d ever been in my life — but it won’t always be good and happy. Because, sadly my love, you are a person. And you will get the flu or food poisoning. And you will want to do something that makes you feel like you’re a person apart from this man, like go out with girlfriends or write a book or be on a sports team or sing in the choir at church. He will not like these things. You may make a gorgeous dinner for him one night and he may not come home. He will not like that that upsets you. You’ll see.
Look, I don’t blame you for not believing me. But I will say this, even if you do believe that I am a “crazy bitch,” take just this one piece of advice: Don’t lose yourself. Hold on tight to what you love about yourself. Don’t let him take it away from you. Don’t let him say you’re crazy for feeling things or being suspicious of the purple vibrator and drawer full of condoms and KY jelly you found at his house when he moved out of yours. (“A friend left them there,” he says! Who wouldn’t believe that?) You’re not crazy. You’re right. You’re a person. Don’t let him destroy you completely. He’ll come close, but be sure to get out before he’s extinguished that last tiny spark.
And when you’re sick of it, when you dare ask for what you need, well then, by that time you’ve probably already been replaced. And then, darling, I’ve got a bottle of wine with your name on it. Join me.
Lots of love,
Second Ex-Wife
